


These hands had to let it go free, but your love came back to me

by kangelique



Series: The Captain Swan Playlist [10]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: A wise woman once said..., Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Confessions, Deleted Scene, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Heartfelt Conversation, Sad, Season 5 episode 22 "Only you", Sorry but I needed a moment like this, Sort of reflection but mostly love and assurances, fears, itty bit of crying because it's true love and she almost lost her true love, lots of affections, lots of hugging, mention of other characters, still in New York, this love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23916118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangelique/pseuds/kangelique
Summary: Inspired by Regina's line "My first impulse was to rip his throat out because it's not fair that he survives and Robin doesn't!"Emma used to think Ingrid's saying was stupid: If you love someone, let them go, and they come back it was meant to be. What bullshit. But then she fell in love with Killian and let him go, and suddenly he's back from the dead. Plus Killian and her family fell through another portal, and to make things worse, Hyde tried strangling him. So he almost died. AGAIN. So what does Emma do? She kisses his neck obviously. Her lips and his words are gonna make it all better.It's time for a serious conversation.
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Series: The Captain Swan Playlist [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1327670
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	These hands had to let it go free, but your love came back to me

**Author's Note:**

> I fell in love with this song a long time ago, and I'm glad I finally figured out a deleted scene to go with it. Hope you like it!

**These hands** **to let it go free, but your love came back to me:**

“I’ll be right back,” her mom said before turning around and disappearing behind the worn-wooden door with two cups of hot cocoa and a thoughtful look warping her face. 

Emma considered stopping her. Maybe giving Regina space was the best option here? Why else would a person want to go out to the rooftop alone? And she was pretty sure Regina hated hot cocoa, too sweet for her wine preferred tastes -could be why Killian had slipped Mary Margaret his flask before sitting down. But who knows. Maybe her mom could get through to her. 

“I think I’m gonna go check on Henry,” David said and walked in the direction of the open window blowing late August air in. She and Killian exchanged knowing smiles. Protective dad 101 and protective grandpa 101. Although the most Violet and Henry could be doing outside was talking -hopefully. 

God, her kid had grown. Gone was the boy who’d believed throwing a penny into the fountain could solve all their problems. 

Jekyll busied himself in the other room, sounds of a remote clicking and the TV flicking to life reaching her ears while Zelena took one look of them pressed thigh to thigh on the cushions and muttered “I’ll take my chances,” and with a roll of her eyes strolled in to join Jekyll like she still owned the place. 

It was for the best. Things between them were rocky, and with her and Killian even worse. 

Emma sighed and turned to face Killian. She glanced at the hand resting on her knee and pulled it toward her stomach, twisting her wrist at the same time his fingers entwined with hers. She smiled softly. No guilt, no regret, no sadness was glistening in his eyes when he brought his gaze on her and tugged their tightly joined hands to his lips -most of that vice-like grip was hers, the need to hold on to things harder, closer, intensifying since their goodbye in the Underworld. 

Understanding furrowed his eyebrows, but he pressed a lingering kiss to her hand. Tickles rose under her knuckles as he brushed them with his scruff, and she quickly bit down on her lip before the watery laugh could escape her. 

“What’s the matter, love?” Killian asked as he straightened, leaving her skin with the tingling sensation of his warm lips, his aliveness as he looked at her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Her cheek tilted under his palm, shoulders sagging when his fingers spread over skin until almost half her face was held gently in his hand. 

And it wasn’t the last time. When he’d crushed his lips to hers, already becoming a ghost as she stumbled back into the elevator, knees buckling under her unsteady feet when she realized this was it, the Ambrosia was the last straw. 

This was no goodbye caress as his thumb stroked her cheekbone, no goodbye kiss he’d placed. 

It was just a kiss. Killian’s kiss. 

Right?

“Nothing,” Emma lied, eyes snapping open and flying to his nose, his mouth, his hair, his eyes, his cheeks, his scar, his chin, and drifting towards his neck. “My first impulse was to rip his throat out.” rippling a shiver through her spine and speeding her heart up, drawing her fingers to lightly swipe against the hollow of his throat. To touch. Not because there was a little voice demanding she make sure, make sure it's real.

Emma shook her head and forced her best smile out. “Why do you ask?”

Killian tilted his head, arching an eyebrow. “Well for starters you’re looking at me as though you might drill a hole in my head.”

Correction: she was looking at him like he’d died and come back from the dead and Regina had called it unfair and she was right, but she was also wrong because she wanted to take his voice, his breathing, him again and Emma’s own throat constricted with the sudden lump making it impossible to swallow. 

“Almost,” Emma replied hoarsely.

Killian leaned back on the couch with a deep breath and she followed. Her grip tightened on the curvy metal when one of the loose springs in the rugged cushion dug into her thigh and she swiveled her body into his side, dropping her head on his shoulder. 

“Not that you’re to be blamed, darling, I am devilishly handsome.”

She snorted, “ I bet the girls in Central Park agreed.”

“Quite honestly I wouldn’t know. I’m much too concerned with what one certain woman thinks.”

“Obviously she thinks you’re devilishly handsome too,” Emma said as she tipped her head back and grinned into his neck. Hesitantly, she slipped her hand from his, and settled her palm on the nape of his neck. Everyone could be listening. So what if they weren’t alone? Relieved moisture pricked her eyes anyway, and we are alone as her arm wrapped around his waist and his slid around her shoulders, yanking each other closer, his pulse thrumming assuringly against her ear. 

“I really missed this.” A single tear trailed down her cheek because _his teasing, his love, his rum-habit_ had almost been left to rot several feet under a gravestone that was as cold and somber-looking as her future. “I missed you.”

He nodded against her hair and turned to press his forehead into her cheek. “As did I, sweetheart,” Killian whispered, “As did I.”

“You sure you’re okay? My mom said Jekyll’s evil science experiment almost choked you.”

“Unfortunately so,” he sighed sharply. “And not in the good way, might I add.”

“Killian, oh my god.” Emma pulled back and winced because they’d already been apart long enough, but luckily his arm shifted to her waist and he slipped his hand under her sweater and let’s just say whatever scolding she was prepared to give faded as his massaging thumb pinned repeatedly into her skin. He wiggled his eyebrows and she rolled her eyes. “Hey, I’m being serious.”

“I’m fine, love.”

Apparently that was their go-to word now. Fine when she was the Dark One, fine when she couldn’t control the darkness, fine when she returned to Storybrooke as a failure, fine when everyone kept insisting she grieve when what she wanted to do was scream at Hades. Fine, fine, _fine_. They were going to be fine for months. 

“Okay,” Emma finally said softly, nodding to convince her superpower he wasn’t lying, mostly to convince herself when she searched his eyes one more time before dropping them to his chest. “Okay, I believe you.”

“There’s something more.” Killian nudged her cheek with his nose. “Have you forgotten I know when something’s bothering you? Come on then, out with it.”

She was his open book, with blurry chapters and bent pages and dissolving ink, and so when she turned her face on him her expression was wide with the wild way she wanted to believe he was okay; she wanted to believe they hadn’t said goodbye in the first place; the way it hadn’t hit her pounding chest that she could blink and he would still be here, giving her an encouraging smile. 

“It’s nothing.” Her eyes fell closed when met by his skeptical hum, warm breath carrying into her skin. Who was she kidding, it was more than nothing, it was everything. 

Regina was mad and mourning. She could understand that better than anybody. Things said in the heat of the moment didn’t count but...Emma inhaled deeply, words tumbling out in a rush. 

“So when Regina and me were still searching for Henry, she said something about killing you when she saw you, literally rip out your throat, and I know it’s not true, but it...I don’t know, it-”

“Frightened you, darling?” Emma nodded numbly. 

Because it wasn’t about Regina, it was about any day, any moment in the day the world could rip him away again and she’d be back to staring at the ceiling, enveloped by emptiness in their too big blue house, sliding a ring in and out of her finger with a trembling left hand, as their crumbling future replayed in her head like a broken record, as _she_ became a broken record, spinning and spinning in a sea of endless gravestones. 

Fate was cruel. 

“Well you needn’t be.” Killian grinned. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

Emma opened her eyes, a crease forming between her eyebrows when her gaze landed on the angry red stretch lines tainting his creamy skin tone, even a faint dent where Hyde’s fingers had pushed forward, dragging Killian with him. “I can still see the marks,” Emma said softly. “Hyde must have been really strong.”

“Aye, if only the good doctor could have deemed his alter ego an aggressive bunny rabbit.”

“Pretty sure it still would have given you problems,” she quipped, side of her lips curving into a wary smile even though her eyes were refusing to look away, stuck with _his face roughly pressed against the bars, Hyde’s grip tightening, the air slowing dwindling from his lungs, his small coughs of desperation, eyes rolling to the back of his head…_

“Swan.”

“Hm?”

Killian tilted his head, eyes narrowing as he wiggled his hook against her suddenly tight grasp. “My hook begs to differ.”

She blinked. “Yeah, so you’re good?” 

“Emma.”

“Last time I’m asking, I swear-”

“ _Love._ ” Emma froze. She swallowed thickly as he twisted slightly to face her. She sighed when he cupped her cheek, and they both leaned forward, foreheads bumping lightly. His presence drew her lips closer, brushing his, armor so easily falling as she pulled him by the lapels and curled the leather into her fists, falling prey to trust when his voice echoed into her shallow breathing mouth. “Love, listen to me. Zeus’ decision was a one-way trip, I assure you.”

“Really?” Maybe she wasn’t doomed to be the girl who was always, always an orphan because she always, _always_ lost the ones she loved the most. 

A bright smile burst free. “Indeed, and before you inquire on my breathing, I’m pleased to inform you it’s steady and even. Check for yourself, if it will put your mind at ease.”

She straightened as he took her hand and guided it to the space where his heart lay. Remnants of being the Dark One clung to her ears, increasing her awareness of the thumping beneath her palm. She splayed her fingers over it anyway, stilling for a moment as his pulse beat the truth into her arm. 

A smile crept across her face. “Steady and even,” Emma repeated. 

“Steady and even, it shall remain.”

“I’m sorry,” Emma blurted. “After the Underworld, I was mad and sad and frustrated with Hades’ bullshit and then you showed up,” she breathed, head lopsiding with her smile. “Just in time. Just when I was about to start punishing myself, blame myself for Robin’s death and yours and Regina’s happy ending and you again.”

Killian shook his head, jaw ticking, and clenching his eyes shut as his palm covered her shaking knuckles. Calloused skin rubbed softly and momentarily calmed her quivering shoulders as she tried to bite back the sob lodging itself up her throat. “I should be the one apologizing, Swan, I’ve forced you to say too many goodbyes."

“I hate goodbyes,” Emma whimpered quietly. She released her hold on his hook to cart her fingers through his hair, gently shoving back the strands from his forehead and curling her palm around the nape of his neck, thumb lovingly kneading the curly locks. “I hated leaving you.”

“I’m right here, darling,” Killian mumbled in her ear, prickly scruff rubbing against her damp cheek when he pressed his face to the side of her head. His lips quirked. “And I’ll have you know I intend to say many hello’s.”

Emma laughed softly and pulled back to look at him, eyes growing soft under his warm stare and all the weight from the past few weeks melting when he burned promises into her instead. 

_“If you love someone, let them go, Emma, now that is probably the hardest lesson you’ll ever learn.”_

_“But that sounds stupid, Ingrid. Why would I want to let them go in the first place?”_

_“Simple: You won’t want to.”_

_“Nearing stupid again.”_

_“Mm, maybe a little bit.”_

_“Hey, is that what you did with those people who cared about you, your sisters?”_

_“Yes, actually, in a way I did.”_

_“What if they come back?”_

_“Then I guess I’ll know it was meant to be.”_

“If you love someone, let them go, and if they come back it was always meant to be,” she whispered. 

Killian arched an eyebrow, smirk urging a corner of his mouth. “I know when you’re quoting something.” 

“It’s not a song, it’s a saying.” Emma shrugged. “One that I always thought was stupid. Mostly because I never thought it would apply to me. I mean, I spent the better part of my life trying to find people, why the hell would I let them go? It just didn’t make sense.” 

“I take it now it does?”

Emma nodded, lightly stroking the scar on his cheek. “I get it. You helped me get it.”

His ocean blues lit up, and he smiled hesitantly. “You believe we were meant to be?”

“I set you free,” she said softly. “And this love, _you_ came back to me, Killian.”

Killian closed his eyes, disbelief shaking his head slightly. “My dear, I hope you’re aware of what a permanent mark your love has left.”

Didn’t he know she was screwed for anyone else too?

“I never dreamed of this.” How could she? 

After her parents let her go the second she was born. After letting Henry go because she wasn’t enough, couldn’t be enough. After Neal, Graham, and Walsh all let go first. Foster home after foster home returning her without a single glance back, and she would have done anything to see them doubting their actions, if maybe they should keep her, if maybe they could make her feel wanted, _if._

How could she? Letting go had brought nothing but pain.

Why would she ever believe it could be a good thing, that someone could care, love enough to let her go? Why shouldn’t she try her hardest to hold on to the one person who prefered to see her free herself of the darkness, to make sure her walls didn’t fly up, to give her a future when staying wasn’t an option anymore and dying in front of her was all there was?

Emma couldn’t. 

“It’s why I couldn’t let you go in Camelot. It scared me to let go on purpose and then I did let you go on purpose and you were just...gone.”

Killian opened his eyes and gently pulled her gaze to his as he rested his palm and hook on either side of her cheeks. “Emma, love, will you look at me?” Her own smile broke across her face when his did. “Hello.”

“What are you doing?” she laughed. 

“Beginning on my intentions, of course.”

Her smile widened and she jumped forward to peck his throat, immediately burying her face into the crook of his neck as she wrapped her arms around it and pressed herself firmly to his chest. “Our love is good, babe,” Emma murmured, planting another soft kiss on his throat. 

His arm slid around her waist, stump on her back tugging her closer as his face found her shoulder and burrowed itself into the leather, eyes falling closed and lips parting as he nodded. “Alive from the dead, it would seem.”

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” Emma said fiercely. “Don’t ever leave me, pirate, you understand?”

“Your hands shall never let me go free again, Swan, I will avoid it at all costs, alright?” Emma nodded against his neck, sniffling. She finally pulled back, and it was his hands wiping the moisture from her flushed cheeks before she could, thumb expertly flicking fat drops aside. 

“Well in that case...hi,” Emma said brightly, amusement dancing in her eyes. 

“Forgive me but hello sounds much better,” he said, brow wrinkling. 

Emma rolled her eyes. “Kiss me before you fall through another portal.”

“Gladly,” he mumbled before ducking his head and capturing her lips in an amorous kiss of tongues twisting languidly and teeth scraping slightly and puffs of air swallowed by each other’s mouths, for a moment not caring about anyone else in the room because _this_ , her hands roaming his chest and his fingers losing themselves in her swinging ponytail, was true. 

This was it.

_They_ were loving someone and letting them go at its finest. 

**Author's Note:**

> Song: This Love  
> By: Taylor Swift
> 
> Honestly 'Kiss me before you fall through another portal' should have just been Captain Swan's motto...
> 
> Thoughts?


End file.
